august 12

we're always missing what was or impatiently waiting for what's to come.

sometimes we forget what's in front of us, right in this moment.

But i'm still homesick

for the ways you made me feel at 

3AM when I thought I was all alone.

The amber-orange haze of streetlights through my window and salty summer breeze washing over me

when all was Silent and still.

the memory feels like the last hug from someone you didn't know you'd never see again.

If only I'd known.

I crave the pain and the sadness and the self-torment.

Feeling pain reminds you you're alive more intensely than happiness or contentment. 

Pain is deep and jarring and makes you aware of your own heart and how heavy it feels beating in your chest.

The pain reminded me I was alive. 

But You reminded me I was alive, that there was so much more than pain and sadness

and that, if I could get through it, the world had so much more.

the only thing that makes you feel more alive than pain is Love.

Love is complex and multifaceted.

The more you go through life, the more you experience it in an infinite amount of ways. 

It's first kisses, doing the little chores you know they hate. It's saying "yes" and "I do." It's sharing your lives, the white picket fence. 

But it's also knowing exactly what to say when my world is crumbling and I can't get out of bed.

It's shared experiences and feelings. It's spilling your guts at 3AM.

It's soulmate friends and stardust spirits and the "I miss you, kid"s 

It's chipped china mugs, eyes dripping kerosene. 

That's the type of love that makes me feel alive. More than the pain ever could.

xo.